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  • Writer's pictureSylwia Herbst

The Philosophy Of Finding Myself

Resurgence, Fluid Acrylic on Canvas, 8 x 10

Throughout this life, I’ve been on a search of who I really am. Since I can remember, I’ve had this feeling that I was missing something and that I was lost. I have read a ton of books and done a lot of study until I found what finally made sense to me.

For a long time, I thought that finding myself was finding what I was meant to do, a calling, a talent or career. I found out that it’s actually none of those things – it’s a bit deeper.

It took me years to discover that I am simply myself, first and foremost, a spiritual being, without any role in society, necessarily. Just me.

This changed everything in the way I viewed myself. From that point, I was able to separate out all the things was not. And what I’m not, is any negative physical universe manifestation.

This includes all negative emotions such as fear, anger, hate, self-invalidation, self-doubt, and all such feelings and thoughts. These are just not me!

Oh, I’ve tried the “this is who I am and you need to accept it thing,” but that didn’t really pan out because I didn’t actually like those things that I was including in that definition of “me.” But at that time, I couldn’t separate them out, so I thought I would accept that’s who I was. This left me with not liking “myself”.

Now, I find myself in calmness, serenity, understanding, ability, creating, help, love, certainty, intuition, courage, strength, optimism, spirituality and all things I consider to be positive. This is when I feel and see myself and where I like myself.

Next, I discovered something else. It’s a big lie that floats around out there and I’ve heard many gurus say: “you are an energy”. To me, this simply isn’t true. I am not an energy.

Having said that, there is only one circumstance in which this statement would be true, and that is if I believed that I, myself was just a body and nothing else. Just a physical thing that expired at the end of its term and that would be the end of me forever.

It’s the same with energy. Energy is a physical flow, one way or the other. It can be seen, felt and measured. It is essentially a physical thing, in this universe. It can be made and destroyed. It has an end.

In my reality, as spiritual being, I am not energy. I may carry it around with me, but I am not it. As a spiritual being, I will never die. I can exist within the physical universe but also outside of it. I have no gender as a spirit (gender is a body identity). I can make, flow, change, shift, destroy or control energy. I keep the body alive.

Now, I also have a mind. I have a mind, but I am not the mind. This thing is full of pictures and past experiences, memories, etc. These have energies within them. I can look at some of these and feel the heavy flow of a depressing time or light, uplifting energy of a pleasant experience. These can and do have influence on my daily life, especially the heavy energy flows.

This is where doubts, troubles, worries, criticisms and self-invalidations live. Sometimes, it feels like I own a network of thousands of radio stations playing total crap all at once. You know, that song on instant replay, or that thought that lingers for days about how “I can’t do this.” I call it total crap radio. Ha ha. More on this in a second.

Now, more about the body. This thing, to me is not a temple, or a home. It’s more like a pet. I don’t live in it, but I own it, it’s mine. It serves me, not the other way around. I love it, and take care of it, but I’m the boss. As a side note, it works well when I bribe it with coffee in the morning, when it doesn’t want to get out of bed.

The body itself has an electrical field around it which can be changed and manipulated and can also be influenced by the energies of what’s in the mind. But again, that is a physical quality and is not me.

The cool thing about all this is that I, myself, can influence the mind and the body and the energies around these, and I can do this with decisions and thoughts. Crappy thoughts equal crappy energies and vice versa.

So, all those crappy radio stations playing in my mind, can be turned off! Sometimes, I hear complaints, negative voices, etc. and I just tell them to shut up! It works! The more I validate the real me and not all the negativity and noise, the more I see of myself.

These other crappy things are like flying debris orbiting around which I thought I couldn’t shake off. Now I see myself like the sun; when the night comes, along with clouds and frightening storms, the sun doesn’t really change or go away. It appears hidden, but really is still there and has always been there in it’s shining glory.

And you know what? It was at this moment I discovered I was never really lost! I’m here and have always been. It was just really hard to see that in all of the dark storm clouds and hurricanes. But now I know, I am myself, and from here I can create…whatever I want.

Happy creating to you too!


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